Fred Rhymes with Dead and the HP Alliance

Here's the latest in my ongoing series. I do worry that I'm going to get repetitive with these. I'll try to put a spin on every one I do, but the formula is pretty ... formulaic. That said, I'm still proud of this and I hope you enjoy it.

FRED RHYMES WITH DEAD
A very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on an enormous joke shop. This puts Zonko’s and Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes to shame.

FRED WEASLEY enters.

FRED
Oh, Merlin’s Pants, I didn’t make it. I was so sure I’d have the last laugh. Guess the jokes on me. Still, if you’ve got to spend eternity somewhere, this looks like the place. Look at this stuff! Non-stop slapsticks? Sex-change joy buzzers? Self-wedgie-ing underpants? This is brilliant! Oh … oh they haven’t! Yes! Genuine x-ray specs that really work?

FRED puts on a pair of x-ray specs.

FRED
Cor! They do work! Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be in the Three Broomsticks with Madam Rosmerta right now!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE enters, from behind Fred.

DUMBLEDORE
Mr. Weasley!

FRED, still wearing the specs, turns at the sound of the voice, and gets an x-ray vision look at DUMBLEDORE.

FRED
Waugh! Professor Dumbledore!

FRED quickly removes the specs.

DUMBLEDORE
It is good to see you again, Fred.

FRED
Yeah, well, same to you. Reckon I’d rather not’ve seen quite so much of you just then. Sorry.

DUMBLEDORE
Think nothing of it. So I take it this place pleases you?

FRED
Oh, it’s brilliant! I mean, I’m sorry I’m dead and all, but … well I always thought people were all just living six billion different jokes with the same punch line, y’know.

DUMBLEDORE
A deeper philosophy than you would probably admit.

FRED
Oh, blimey! I forgot to ask! Did we win? Is You Know Who burning in You Know Where?

DUMBLEDORE
Yes, indeed. Harry Potter has triumphed over Voldemort and, while many good souls were lost in the battle, the rest of your family is safe and well. You might be amused to see this.

DUMBLEDORE hands FRED a telescope.

FRED
Wait – is this one of my eye-punching telescopes?

DUMBLEDORE
No, no, this will allow you to peer down into the world of the living. I thought you might like to see your own mother defeating Bellatrix Lestrange.

FRED
My mother?

FRED eagerly looks through the telescope. After a moment he puts it down.

FRED
I don’t know what surprises me more – that Mum could beat such a powerful witch, or that she would use that kind of language. So, er, how long did all this take? I don’t feel as if I’ve been gone that long.

DUMBLEDORE
Time passes differently in this realm than in the mortal world. A few days have passed since the battle. In fact, if you look down now, you will see that your family and friends are attending your funeral.

FRED
Now that’s something I’ve got to see!

FRED looks through the telescope again.

FRED
Not a bad turnout! I knew I’d be a bigger draw than Cedric Diggory. Everyone’s looking awfully glum.

DUMBLEDORE
Is that not to be expected at a funeral?

FRED
Yeah, but not at mine. I mean, yeah, I’d expect Mum to cry, but … c’mon, everyone, no need to weep and moan. That’s not how I want you to remember me! Have a bloody laugh, already.

DUMBLEDORE
There have been a few chuckles as they’ve told stories of your exploits.

FRED
Yeah, but the laugh to tears ratio is way off! Oh, wait, George is coming up to speak. This’ll do it. George’ll leave ’em rolling in the aisles. … George? George? Merlin’s Pants, George’s worse than the rest of them! Turn off the waterworks you bloody fountain! Oh! Now he’s broken down completely and can’t talk anymore. Hey! Now Angelina’s comforting him! Hoi, George, she was my ex-girlfriend, you know! I better not catch her whispering sweet nothings into the hole in your head that used to be an ear! Well, I’ve seen enough. I mean, really, where do they get the nerve?

DUMBLEDORE
The nerve?

FRED
The nerve to cry at my funeral! I mean, this is supposed to be about ME, isn’t it? This thing should be a laugh riot!

DUMBLEDORE
Surely you don’t believe, Fred, that a funeral is actually for the deceased.

FRED
Well, I sort of thought that was the whole point.

DUMBLEDORE
The dead have no real need for ceremonies. Funerals are for the living, to allow them to remember the loved ones they have lost in the way they see fit. The people you left behind will always remember you for the laughter and the good spirits, but right now, allow them their grief. Let them mourn the lost brother, son, and friend. Laughter will return to their lives, but, for now, allow them the bittersweet solace of their tears. Think for a moment and you will surely see that is what they need, just now.

FRED
Well … yeah … yeah, I guess.
(Pause.)
But I reckon it’s not what I need. I won’t watch a moment more of this!

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, I don’t blame you. I found my own funeral most unwatchable. If that rather verbose fellow delivering the eulogy had gone on any longer, half the audience would have died of boredom and I would have a great many more neighbors up here.

FRED
Well all right then! I’ve got a shop full of new toys to try out. Wait a minute! I didn’t see Snape anywhere down there. Did he not make it through?

DUMBLEDORE
Alas, no, Professor Snape died, but he died a hero, allied with our side against the forces of Voldemort. I think you will find him not far from here.

FRED
Well, in that case, he and I have a date with a flaming bag of dragon poo!

FRED grabs some supplies.

FRED
See you around, Professor!

FRED exits, gleeful.

DUMBLEDORE
I suppose I really should warn Severus.
(Beat.)No, no, some things are just too good to miss.

DUMBLEDORE follows after FRED.

Lights fade.



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