Dean on Filkcast: Potter Style

Yep, I did another one!

Debatably, I'm an odd match for a podcast all about song parody, since I don't sing. But I do parody, so SALLY is kind of a once-removed relative of the songs that Delana, Michael, and company play.

I had a great time with those guys. We talked A LOT. I'm a little worried that people who tune in primarily for the songs will be a little annoyed by all the chatter. But I think it's pretty fun.

And I was really pleased that we recorded a scene from SALLY. Michael plays Hagrid in the Pottercast Acting Troupe, so he was fantastic as Ryebread. Listen to the show for that alone!

more tweets

Archiving some tweets from the last week and a half. If you're curious about the #Dumbledore tags on a lot of these it is part of a plan by Andrew Slack of the HP Alliance to make the word a trending topic and draw attention to the WWDD project.

HPTheMusical needs a new name, sez lawyers. Suggestions for new titles: "A Funny Thing Happend on the Way to Wizard School" #Dumbledore
1:54 PM Jun 26th from web

Suggestions for new titles for HPTheMusical "How to Succeed at Magic without Really Trying" "The Most Harry Fella" #Dumbledore
1:55 PM Jun 26th from web

More new names for HPTheMusical "Guys Wand Dolls" "Hello, Dobby" "The Rocky Potter Show" and my favorite "Les Wizard-ables" #Dumbledore
1:57 PM Jun 26th from web

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." -- #Dumbledore. Relevant to the late Mr. Jackson? RIP
10:46 AM Jun 26th from web

Comedian Doug Benson encouraged us to tweet reviews of Transformers 2 in eight words or less. This first one seemed popular and got RTed

Things Michael Bay Hates: women, plots, your eyeballs. #8wordsorless
12:00 PM Jun 26th from web

But I like these other ones, too

@DougBenson Transforms ten dollars into two wasted hours #8wordsorless
8:54 AM Jun 26th from web in reply to DougBenson

@DougBenson Overrendered personality-free robots still out-act Megan Fox #8wordsorless
8:52 AM Jun 26th from web in reply to DougBenson

@DougBenson Transforms your childhood memories into loud, blurry headaches #8wordsorless
8:49 AM Jun 26th from web in reply to DougBenson


Learned a guy I knew in college was the lead horse in EQUUS on B'way. Write your own joke about fangirl dream of D. Radcliffe riding on you
8:19 AM Jun 25th from web

Despite Paul Simon's pleas, they're taking it away! RT @rickybrigante Kodak retiring 74-year-old Kodachrome film http://tinyurl.com/nezxw3
3:11 PM Jun 22nd from web

Actress Jewel Staite of “Firefly” tweeted that spending a weekend in Solvang, CA would fulfill her “Danish fantasy”

@JewelStaite My Danish fantasy just involves having one with lemon filling and one with strawberry and cheese ... seems kinda lame now ...
2:43 PM Jun 22nd from web in reply to JewelStaite


http://twitpic.com/82n1d - Robert Pattinson's taxi "accident" gets more suspicious with the release of this photo of the driver.
8:08 PM Jun 21st from TwitPic

Stupidest EntertainmentWeekly quote of '09 "Few Harry Potter fans imagined that Ginny Weasley would blossom into the love of (Harry's) life"
5:50 AM Jun 20th from web

Do the Remus Lupins have to put up with a lot of fans shipping them with Tonks and the Aurors?
11:08 AM Jun 19th from web in reply to melissaanelli


#fauxllowfriday Disneyedition @morestitch4wdw @bringbackthewand @pixarisoverrated @mullhollandmadnesslover @addjarjar2startours @churrossuck
10:35 AM Jun 19th from web

#fauxlowfriday HarryPotter edition @quidditchmakesperfectsensetome @flitwickfangirl @vernondursleycosplay @harryromildashipper @WBisperfect
10:19 AM Jun 19th from web


Claire from Accio Potter said she was woken up by a “Deconstruction Crew” at her house

@ClaireMcKenna1 You have a deconstruction crew there? Wow, so there ARE jobs out there for English majors! #literaryanalysishumor
9:25 AM Jun 19th from web in reply to ClaireMcKenna1



Robert Pattinson from "Twilight" was grazed by a cab in New York. Apparently the cabbie couldn't see him because he wasn't sparkly enough.
5:33 PM Jun 18th from web

@wilw Would it be lame to say that I'm too sexy to remember Right Said Fred?
10:20 AM Jun 18th from web in reply to wilw


The Man with the Golden Nun #nicerfilmtitles
8:49 PM Jun 17th from web

Golem-mallow Crunch #newmonstercereals
4:26 PM Jun 17th from web

Cheeri-Ogres #newmonstercereals
4:25 PM Jun 17th from web

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hy-Fiber #newmonstercereals
4:22 PM Jun 17th from web

#nicerfilmtitles Beauty and the Beets
9:18 AM Jun 17th from web

#nicerfilmtitles Murmur on the Orient Express
9:16 AM Jun 17th from web

The Long Road Home from Nurmengard, and the HP Alliance

Here's another WWDD play. This one is definitely the saddest so far, which is odd, considering the character who has died was old and a one-time supervillain. Not many laughs in this one, but I rather like it.

THE LONG ROAD HOME FROM NURMENGARD
A very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on a crossroads. A bright spring day. The road branches off in an infinite number of directions.

GELLERT GRINDELWALD is there. While he is still the very old man he was when he died, he has a youth and vigor about him that he clearly has not felt in a long time.

GRINDELWALD looks around, taking it all in.

GRINDELWALD
Of course. Of course.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE is there.

DUMBLEDORE
Hello, Gellert.

GRINDELWALD
Albus. Oh, Albus.

Long pause.

GRINDELWALD
Imagine that. I have had fifty years to think about it, and I still do not know what to say to you.

DUMBLEDORE
I see no reason why we should rush.

GRINDELWALD
I’m sorry, Albus. I am sorrier than you could possibly imagine.

DUMBLEDORE
I am sorry, too.

GRINDELWALD
Do not be! You did what had to be done! Your defeat of me was the best thing that could have happened for me, and for the world! … I hated you, Albus. I hated you for defeating me. I hated you for betraying the principles we held so dearly back in Godric's Hollow. I hated you for abandoning me when my quest was just beginning. But you were right. You were right about everything. Do not apologize to me, old friend. I am the one who must apologize.

DUMBLEDORE
If you truly believe you are the only one with regrets, then you are just as selfish as you were a century ago.

GRINDELWALD
… Oh, Albus. You always knew what to say to make me question myself. But whatever sins you may have committed, you can be forgiven. Surely I cannot. Surely the blood, wizard and Muggle alike, that I have on my hands cannot be washed away with a few words.

DUMBLEDORE
No, no, it cannot. But it can, perhaps, be washed away with time. Time, after all, was your punishment and your gift. You used that time to consider the choices you made and beliefs you held. You have thought about where you were wrong and, if I am not mistaken, you have renounced those beliefs you now find so hateful.

GRINDELWALD
Yes, yes I have. Not immediately, I am afraid. For those first years, all I had was anger. I blamed you. I blamed Muggles, Muggle-borns … everyone but myself. I was nearly the mightiest wizard on Earth and I wielded what was truly the ultimate weapon, how could I have fallen? How could my power have failed me? And the only answer that came was this – I was wrong. Magic is not the ultimate power. There are greater powers that all people wield, Muggles, wizards, magical creatures alike. And if those powers could defeat me, then clearly I am no better than anyone else. Muggles are no lower than wizards. Elves, centaurs, goblins, all of them – no intelligent creature is higher or lower than any other. Only that understanding is truly for the Greater Good.

DUMBLEDORE
That must have been a difficult realization for you.

GRINDELWALD
The hardest.

Pause.

GRINDELWALD
He … he came for me, Albus. He was looking for the Wand. I told him nothing but … but I think he knows.

DUMBLEDORE
If Voldemort finds that wand, he will be … quite surprised.

GRINDELWALD
He will. He will, indeed. But that man … if he even is a man anymore … with that wand. He was a monster, Albus. Was I ever like that?

DUMBLEDORE
Never quite, Gellert. With you, there was always the chance that you might choose a wiser path … eventually.

GRINDELWALD
Eventually.

DUMBLEDORE
Choices, Gellert. Choices, wrong or right, have brought us here.
(Gestures to the crossroads sign)
And, as you can see, now we have a new set of choices to make. Perhaps, now, older and wiser, we can make the correct ones.

GRINDELWALD
Albus, I’m … I’m sorry about Ariana.

DUMBLEDORE
… thank you.

GRINDELWALD
And I’m sorry that … that I could not be what you wanted me to be.

DUMBLEDORE
That is one thing for which you have no need to apologize.

GRINDELWALD
I cherished our friendship, our partnership, Albus. But … I am not that way.

DUMBLEDORE
I know. I knew back then, from the way you romanced the young witches of Godric's Hollow. You broke many a heart in those days.

GRINDELWALD
Including one I never imagined I could hurt.

DUMBLEDORE
I was young and confused. Confused about my feelings. We wizards thought we were so advanced, but we still clung to so many old taboos in that area. I mistook friendship for romantic love, a kinship for an attraction. I spent my life devoted to the power and advancement of love. But it is a mystery I never fully solved.

GRINDELWALD
For two men as old and wise as we think ourselves to be, there is a great deal we do not understand.

DUMBLEDORE
Isn’t that why you and I planned to travel together? To learn new things, unravel new mysteries?

GRINDELWALD
Why, yes, I believe you’re right.

DUMBLEDORE
The open road lies before us, though we are more than a century late for our original appointment.

GRINDELWALD
Then why are we waiting? We have a lot of catching up to do.

DUMBLEDORE
Then … let us begin.

The two old friends gaze up at the sign and choose a way to go. They head off down a path, together.

Lights fade.




Visit The Harry Potter Alliance

Get your "Team Dean" t-shirts now!

So I was listening to the Live Ustream of Claire on the Air, a Wrock and chat show by Claire from Accio Potter yesterday and I was in the chat. I never feel 100% comfortable being places like that, since everyone else there was high school or college age and being the only 32-year-old in a chatroom with teenagers seems like you’re signing yourself up for “Dateline”’s watchlist. But I really like the Accio Gang, I had some free time, so why the heck not, y’know?

Anyway Claire mentioned something about a kid at camp having a crush on a counselor. This reminded me of a story from the summer I met my wife.

We were working at a theatre that did children’s plays and she was stage managing a version of THE UGLY DUCKLING in which I played the titular duckling/swan. My wife no longer works in theatre, but she kept me as a souvenir.

The lead roles in the play were played by high school and college aged actors (and a few people like me who were a year or two out of school). But we also had a chorus of kids about 9-12 who played additional ducklings.

My future wife and I had been dating for about six weeks by this point and were pretty aware this was something special. But, as it turned out, I was not the only guy in that show vying for her affections.

See, one of the little ducklings clearly took a liking to her and took every opportunity to talk with her, sit next to her, etc. Now, clearly, I was not facing much competition from a ten year old, but it was still a little annoying to see this kid making moves on my lady!

Anyway, after Claire’s kid-at-camp story, I told a short version of my story in the chat and people seemed to find it pretty amusing. Suddenly everyone declared that in the battle between me and this kid, they were all on “Team Dean.”

That’s right, people were shipping me and my wife!

Well … okay. Not a very controversial ship, like when, say, fans at LeakyCon started imagining a pairing between Melissa Anelli and the happily married John Green. But it’s nice, and slightly creepy, to be thought of that way.

Now all we need is one of these portmanteau couple names, like Harmony (Harry/Hermione) or Snarry (Snape/Harry). Of course, since my wife prefers to remain anonymous in my adventures into fandom, she can only be called “Dean’s Wife.” If I was still doing “That Anonymous Guy” pieces for Inside the Magic, she could be “That Anonymous Gal,” like Bill Simmons, ESPN.com’s Sports Guy, calls his wife “The Sports Gal.” But those are on hold for a while, and it’s a whole ’nuther fandom, so that’s out. So … how do you smush up “Dean O’Carroll” and “Dean O’Carroll’s Wife”?

Dife?
Deaf?
Wean?
Wine?
Wocarroll?
O’Cwife?

Or, perhaps, the most accurate: WiCar, pronounced “Why Care?”

Fred Rhymes with Dead and the HP Alliance

Here's the latest in my ongoing series. I do worry that I'm going to get repetitive with these. I'll try to put a spin on every one I do, but the formula is pretty ... formulaic. That said, I'm still proud of this and I hope you enjoy it.

FRED RHYMES WITH DEAD
A very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on an enormous joke shop. This puts Zonko’s and Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes to shame.

FRED WEASLEY enters.

FRED
Oh, Merlin’s Pants, I didn’t make it. I was so sure I’d have the last laugh. Guess the jokes on me. Still, if you’ve got to spend eternity somewhere, this looks like the place. Look at this stuff! Non-stop slapsticks? Sex-change joy buzzers? Self-wedgie-ing underpants? This is brilliant! Oh … oh they haven’t! Yes! Genuine x-ray specs that really work?

FRED puts on a pair of x-ray specs.

FRED
Cor! They do work! Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be in the Three Broomsticks with Madam Rosmerta right now!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE enters, from behind Fred.

DUMBLEDORE
Mr. Weasley!

FRED, still wearing the specs, turns at the sound of the voice, and gets an x-ray vision look at DUMBLEDORE.

FRED
Waugh! Professor Dumbledore!

FRED quickly removes the specs.

DUMBLEDORE
It is good to see you again, Fred.

FRED
Yeah, well, same to you. Reckon I’d rather not’ve seen quite so much of you just then. Sorry.

DUMBLEDORE
Think nothing of it. So I take it this place pleases you?

FRED
Oh, it’s brilliant! I mean, I’m sorry I’m dead and all, but … well I always thought people were all just living six billion different jokes with the same punch line, y’know.

DUMBLEDORE
A deeper philosophy than you would probably admit.

FRED
Oh, blimey! I forgot to ask! Did we win? Is You Know Who burning in You Know Where?

DUMBLEDORE
Yes, indeed. Harry Potter has triumphed over Voldemort and, while many good souls were lost in the battle, the rest of your family is safe and well. You might be amused to see this.

DUMBLEDORE hands FRED a telescope.

FRED
Wait – is this one of my eye-punching telescopes?

DUMBLEDORE
No, no, this will allow you to peer down into the world of the living. I thought you might like to see your own mother defeating Bellatrix Lestrange.

FRED
My mother?

FRED eagerly looks through the telescope. After a moment he puts it down.

FRED
I don’t know what surprises me more – that Mum could beat such a powerful witch, or that she would use that kind of language. So, er, how long did all this take? I don’t feel as if I’ve been gone that long.

DUMBLEDORE
Time passes differently in this realm than in the mortal world. A few days have passed since the battle. In fact, if you look down now, you will see that your family and friends are attending your funeral.

FRED
Now that’s something I’ve got to see!

FRED looks through the telescope again.

FRED
Not a bad turnout! I knew I’d be a bigger draw than Cedric Diggory. Everyone’s looking awfully glum.

DUMBLEDORE
Is that not to be expected at a funeral?

FRED
Yeah, but not at mine. I mean, yeah, I’d expect Mum to cry, but … c’mon, everyone, no need to weep and moan. That’s not how I want you to remember me! Have a bloody laugh, already.

DUMBLEDORE
There have been a few chuckles as they’ve told stories of your exploits.

FRED
Yeah, but the laugh to tears ratio is way off! Oh, wait, George is coming up to speak. This’ll do it. George’ll leave ’em rolling in the aisles. … George? George? Merlin’s Pants, George’s worse than the rest of them! Turn off the waterworks you bloody fountain! Oh! Now he’s broken down completely and can’t talk anymore. Hey! Now Angelina’s comforting him! Hoi, George, she was my ex-girlfriend, you know! I better not catch her whispering sweet nothings into the hole in your head that used to be an ear! Well, I’ve seen enough. I mean, really, where do they get the nerve?

DUMBLEDORE
The nerve?

FRED
The nerve to cry at my funeral! I mean, this is supposed to be about ME, isn’t it? This thing should be a laugh riot!

DUMBLEDORE
Surely you don’t believe, Fred, that a funeral is actually for the deceased.

FRED
Well, I sort of thought that was the whole point.

DUMBLEDORE
The dead have no real need for ceremonies. Funerals are for the living, to allow them to remember the loved ones they have lost in the way they see fit. The people you left behind will always remember you for the laughter and the good spirits, but right now, allow them their grief. Let them mourn the lost brother, son, and friend. Laughter will return to their lives, but, for now, allow them the bittersweet solace of their tears. Think for a moment and you will surely see that is what they need, just now.

FRED
Well … yeah … yeah, I guess.
(Pause.)
But I reckon it’s not what I need. I won’t watch a moment more of this!

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, I don’t blame you. I found my own funeral most unwatchable. If that rather verbose fellow delivering the eulogy had gone on any longer, half the audience would have died of boredom and I would have a great many more neighbors up here.

FRED
Well all right then! I’ve got a shop full of new toys to try out. Wait a minute! I didn’t see Snape anywhere down there. Did he not make it through?

DUMBLEDORE
Alas, no, Professor Snape died, but he died a hero, allied with our side against the forces of Voldemort. I think you will find him not far from here.

FRED
Well, in that case, he and I have a date with a flaming bag of dragon poo!

FRED grabs some supplies.

FRED
See you around, Professor!

FRED exits, gleeful.

DUMBLEDORE
I suppose I really should warn Severus.
(Beat.)No, no, some things are just too good to miss.

DUMBLEDORE follows after FRED.

Lights fade.



Visit The Harry Potter Alliance

Twittering away

As you can see, I've added a Widget to this page to show my recent Tweets. But, since I think every single word I write is brilliant, I've also decided to archive some of my favorite tweets before they vanish into the ether. So here are some of them:

John @hodgman is speaking after Obama at the @rtcadinner . Will there be a
rebuttal where Dick Cheney speaks, followed by Justin Long?

waitwait: This weekend, the panelists predict a hidden clause in the new health care plan. Got one? /ian
deanocarroll: @waitwait A surprising amount of funding to go to "enormous ear care"


Edward R. Murrow - Good night and good luck #thingsfamouspeoplesayaftersex

Walter Cronkite -- And that's the way it is #thingsfamouspeoplesayaftersex

BillCorbett: I have a
disturbing number of followers who want to see a cute panda torn to pieces by a
shark. Well...OK, I'll see what I can do.
deanocarroll: @BillCorbett what would be an acceptable number of followers who want to see a cute panda torn to pieces by a shark?

@sueupton All the people who keep complaining about HBP being PG seem to forget the book is 70% about high school sports and teen dating

@loresjoberg "I don't think many sea otters have read the Ramayana" My pet sea otter loved "Ramayana the Pest" and "Ramayana Quimby, Age 8"
http://badgods.com/wormwood-seatofpower22.html


jacobuskaminus: Who do you think won the Second Annual
Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of
Excellence?
deanocarroll: @jacobuskaminus Probably an inanimate carbon rod

Listening to Jack demolish Jay ( @jayandjack ) on the Lost podcast. How many times must Lost show us Locke was a loser before it sinks in?

petersagal Just had to ask someone: "Online or real world?".
Whats the preferred term for latter? "Meatspace?" "Where my shell
resides?"
deanocarroll @petersagal "Face-to-Face-Book"? "Avatar-Free Land"?

Sad my old friend Marin Ireland didn't win a Tony tonight, but, if you have to lose to somebody, Angela Lansbury is a pretty good choice.


@brebishop Not following HP news? So you didn't hear JKR say that Cho Chang married Kreacher?

Very sad about the loss of David Eddings, my favorite fantasy author of my youth. If you've never read The Belgariad, check it out!

#robotpickuplines
Wanna see my C3P-O-face?

Saw preview of Land ot Lost. Love Will Ferrell, but it's hard to make a WORSE TVtoFilm adaptation than Bewitched. This does it! Bad movie

@aaronspod I like USHollywood,
but it's so tiny, compared to Disneyland. The location is great, but otherwise a
one-visit place.
@aaronspod USHollywood lives in a state of denial, too. They still have a Waterworld stunt show for crying out loud!
@aaronspod It's a
really cool show, but couldn't they repurpose some of those stunts to tie them
in to a movie people, like, SAW?
@aaronspod (I mean a movie seen by people -- no reference to the "Saw" films, which would probably not make for a good live
show -- YIKES!)

Yes, she's really going out with him, but it's purely physical. #answerstosongtitles

Because, if we did, a car might run us over, mid-coitus. #answerstosongtitles

Dr. Alfred Kinsey wrote the book of love. Yes, it would be nice.
#answerstosongtitles

Just heard Kris Allen on the @insidethemagic podcast and I think he said something about singing a song called "Anal Sunshine."

Christian Slater is doing a "Heathers" sequel? http://bit.ly/10Uj9R Didn't he (SPOILER) blow up in the first one?

Kevin Nealon asked what it would be like if Jesus had been on Twitter
@kevin_nealon Sermon on the Mount would have been 140 characters and included the phrase "blessed are the PCmakers"

@jfftsq http://twitpic.com/670q8 - Hey, I love the Moaning Turtles, especially their song "Unhappy Together" #1960spop-rockhumor

Darth Molly (or, alternately Darth ShoppingMall); SheWoks #sexchangestarwars

#sexchangestarwars Prince Leo; Qui-Gonn Gina; Handrea Solo; Barbara Fett; Shmuel Skywalker; Yodarlene; Greedorothy; Landoris Calrissean;

@siriuslypotter Listening to episode 19. Favorite line: "Who's Dean O'Carroll?"


@loresjoberg Mosk #popeyesfavoritebryophyteandislamicplaceofworship Mask
#popeyesfavoritechristianreligiousserviceandwaytodisguisehisface

@loresjoberg Baskin #popeyesfavoritelargebowlandicecreamcocreator

@loresjoberg Basques #popeyesfavoritefishandspanishthnicgroup

#songsfrompopeyesdiscoalbum "That's The Way I Likesk It" "Ring Me Bell" "Turn the Boat Around"

#NPRpuns "The Bissell and ShamWow" -- Irish songs about as-seen-on TV cleaning products. Really stretches the "no commercial" format

#NPRpuns Frosh Air, in-depth conversations about the smells found in freshman dorm rooms

#NPRpuns "Prairie Home Longtime Companion" -- stories from a town where all the men are good looking and that's all we care about.

#unlikelysequels Slumdog Millionaire: Tournament of Champions. Brokeback Mountain: The Next Generation. Crash 2:Still Crashin'!

Moody's Blues and the HP Alliance

I've gotten great feedback for that DOBBYSOCKS play I wrote for the HP Alliance's "What Would Dumbledore Do" project, including very nice recognition from HPA masters Andrew Slack and Hope Mullinax and a thumbs-up from none other than Paul DeGeorge of Harry and the Potters (!). So I've agreed to write more of these things, maybe addressing every character who died in Deathly Hallows. Here's the latest.

MOODY’S BLUES

A very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on an endless dining hall, full of hearty VIKING WARRIORS, feasting on endless plates of food and downing enormous tankards of mead and other drink. A rowdy, raucous celebration.

MOODY enters. His face is healed, both his eyes are his own, as are both his legs.

MOODY
Oh, bloody hell! He got me! I’ll kill that little thief next time I see him!

DUMBLEDORE is there.

DUMBLEDORE
Do not be too angry at poor Mundungus, Alastor. He was not wholly responsible for his actions.

MOODY
Dumbledore! Well, blast it! If you’re here then I know I’m dead.

DUMBLEDORE
I am afraid so.

MOODY
And just where the hell is here?

DUMBLEDORE
Have a look around.

MOODY
Feasting Viking warriors? Spears, shields … carousing? Are we in bloody Valhalla?

DUMBLEDORE
The final resting place of heroic Norsemen. A suitable destination for a warrior fallen in battle. I have always thought you were more a Dane than an Antique Roman, to paraphrase a Muggle author of whom I’m rather fond.

MOODY
A lucky shot! That red-eyed berk got me right between the eyes, how did I not … Potter! Did Potter make it safely?

DUMBLEDORE
By now, Harry Potter is safely at the Burrow.

MOODY
And the others? Casualties?

DUMBLEDORE
Harry’s owl was killed; young George Weasley suffered a serious, but non-fatal injury; and Hagrid survived a nasty fall.

MOODY
Confound it! If I’d’ve been there, I could’ve … Dammit! Dumbledore, I can’t be dead yet! They need me! This battle is not over!

DUMBLEDORE
No, it is not, Alastor, but your role in it, alas, is.

MOODY
But You-Know-Who’s still out there! And Snape and Lestrange and the rest of ’em! Potter can’t take ’em all alone! He’s just a boy!

DUMBLEDORE
My concern for Harry knows no bounds. But there is nothing more we can do for him.

MOODY
So just what do you expect me to do, then?

DUMBLEDORE
I expect you to help yourself to some venison and mead, and enjoy the rest you have earned so many times over. I assure you, you have no need to fear anyone has poisoned the food or drink. One benefit you’ll find to being dead is that it is now very difficult for anyone to kill you.

MOODY
How can you be so calm? Can’t you see there’s a war on?

DUMBLEDORE
No for us. Our part in this conflict is done. Now we may partake in the feast before us.

MOODY
But I … I can’t …

DUMBLEDORE
Alastor, in your long life as an auror, you endured more punishments, more indignities, more suffering than almost anyone I have ever known. You accepted those with stoicism and fortitude. Why then is it so difficult for you to accept a reward, one you so heartily deserve?

MOODY
Because … because there are more battles to be fought!

DUMBLEDORE
And they will be fought by other brave souls, souls who will take your life and your sacrifice as inspiration, and be all the stronger for it. But you must let go, Alastor, and accept that you have discharged your duty.

MOODY
I … I don’t know if I can.

DUMBLEDORE
Try the mead, Alastor. It is as sweet as you could possibly wish.

DUMBLEDORE raises a glass and toasts MOODY.

DUMBLEDORE
To the heroes who have been, and the heroes yet to be.

They drink.

MOODY
That’s damn fine mead, Dumbledore.

A LOUD SOUND. Heads turn as a FROST GIANT bursts into the room. VIKINGS attack him.

MOODY
What the bloody hell is that?

DUMBLEDORE
That is a Frost Giant. This would hardly be a paradise for warriors if there were not new battles to be fought, and new glories to be won.

MOODY
Well why didn’t you say so?

MOODY grabs his wand and charges in.

MOODY
Stand aside, you horn headed Muggle fools! Let Moody handle this overgrown icicle!

MOODY and the VIKINGS charge off, battle the FROST GIANT. DUMBLEDORE smiles and sips again.

DUMBLEDORE
It truly is excellent mead.

Lights fade.



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DobbySocks and the HP Alliance

The Harry Potter Alliance, a group dedicated to the spirit and messages of the Potter books, and to spreading those into the real world, is having a "What Would Dumbledore Do" event, encouraging members to write blog posts about Dumbledore's philosophy and what we learned from it. I, of course, wrote a play:

DOBBYSOCKS

A very short play
By Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on what appears to be a clothing store devoted entirely to socks.

DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF enters, mesmerized.

DOBBY
Where is Dobby? One moment ago, Dobby was saving Harry Potter from the nasty Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange and then Dobby felt something sharp and now Dobby is … Dobby is very confused!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE is there.

DUMBLEDORE
Ah, hello, Dobby. We have been expecting you.

DOBBY
Oh, Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore! Dobby is so very pleased to see you! Dobby was so sad when you were killed! Dobby is not worthy to be in the same place with your greatness!

DUMBLEDORE
Please, Dobby, there is no need for that. We are all equals here.

DOBBY
But … where is … here?

DUMBLEDORE
What does it look like to you?

DOBBY
It looks like … a store … full of socks! Socks! Nothing but socks! Socks are Dobby’s favorite, sir! Is this heaven, Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, sir?

DUMBLEDORE
That I could not say, but, surely, if you love socks, shouldn’t you be enjoying all of these?

DOBBY
Well, I … I … Oh! Dobby is free!

DOBBY spends several minutes romping wildly through the socks. Suddenly, he stops.

DOBBY
But, Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, why are you here with Dobby?

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, surely you know, Dobby, that I, too, am a lover of socks. When young Harry Potter asked me what I see when I look into the Mirror of Erised, I told him I see my heart’s desire – a good pair of socks.

DOBBY
And was that true, Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE
Well, Dobby, I lived a very long life and during that time I made many choices I regret and lost many people that I cherished. So most often when I glimpsed that mirror, I saw myself reunited with those lost people, and opportunities. But on other days – good days -- days when I had no ongoing feud with the Ministry of Magic or the Hogwarts Board, when my battles with Lucius Malfoy had temporarily abated, and when no dark forces threatened my students’ lives, I did indeed see myself with socks.

DOBBY
But surely a great, great man, such as Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, must have more important desires! Surely something so simple as socks, which make Dobby so happy, cannot mean so much to you!

DUMBLEDORE
But don’t you see, Dobby, how truly powerful tiny things can be? Was it not a simple sock that set you free? And now, years later, has not that freedom allowed you to save Harry Potter’s life? Think of the tiny things and little pleasures that have played so great a role in this tale of which we have been a part – a locket, a stone, a diary … a treacle tart.

DOBBY
Kreacher told Dobbby that the Great Harry Potter loves treacle tarts!

DUMBLEDORE
You see? Imagine a boy of his age with the burdens he bears. How could he ever be expected to take pleasure in anything? Yet, for those few, fleeting moments between lips and stomach, a treacle tart brings him joy and the strength to continue. Little pleasures, Dobby, the smallest things are what keep us going, and allow us to carry on. I’m certain I would never have discovered the twelve uses for Dragon’s Blood if I hadn’t fortified my pockets with sherbet lemons and acid pops. And I know I never would have defeated Gellert Grindelwald if I weren’t wearing a truly stupendous pair of socks that day.

DOBBY
… Socks.

DUMBLEDORE
… Socks.

DOBBY
Would Mr. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore like to try on socks with Dobby?

DUMBLEDORE
Nothing would give me greater, simpler pleasure. Come! I saw a magnificent selection of argyles over here.

DOBBY and DUMBLEDORE exit together.




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The Day the Music Didn't Die

There was a series of Tweets on Twitter today by the members of The Whomping Willows, The Moaning Myrtles and Justin Finch-Fletchley and the Sugar Quills. Apparently they were driving to a gig together and narrowly avoided a tornado, thanks to some clever driving by Whompy.

Well, first of all, thank the stars for that! I'm very glad that everyone is okay, as is the rest of fandom.

I mean, heaven forbid, they hadn't made it, they would have become the Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and Big Bopper of Wrock (I'll let them argue over which is which). And then someone would have had to write a parody of American Pie about it all.

You can see where I'm going with this, right?

Okay, here it is. It's not a parody of the whole song, which is longer than Order of the Phoenix. I cut out a few of the later verses, following the same structure "Weird Al" Yankovic did when he wrote his parody of this song about The Phantom Menace.

If any of the subjects of his song read this, please don't be creeped out that I'm writing a song that sort of asks "what if you died." Just ... doing something to keep myself from doing my real job.

Oh, and the lyrics don't make much sense, but remember what I was working with.

The Day The Wizard Wrock Didn't Die
a parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean
New lyrics by Dean O'Carroll

Not that long ago...
I can still remember
When music was a Muggle thing
Then Joe and Paul said “if we wrock,
Then we could make those people flock
To come and hear us play and sing.”

But June came in with quite a shocker
A brush with death for several wrockers:
A big tornado tried to kill
Wompy, Myrtle, and the Quills

But Wompy got them through the ride
And with relief all fandom sighed
That today would not be set aside
(as) The day wrock music died.

And we’re not sayin’

Bye, bye to those Wizard Rock Guys
Drove their pistons through a twistin’
Air cone in the sky
And since that is not a real fun way to fly
We’re seein’ all the fangirls cry
Like when they saw Diggory die

Now we’ve all read those books by Jo,
And listened to Matt Maggiacomo,
And Draco and the rest of them
Do you believe in Wizard Rock,
A gift even better than Dobby’s sock,
And can you sing like Riddle T.M.?

Experienced too much Butterbeer?
We’ll cut you off, like George’s ear
But we’ll all do some whoopin’
With help from the Remus Lupins

Oh yeah, the Hogwarts Trainwreck does the trick
With a little help from Swish and Flick,
But thinking of it just makes me sick
The day wrock music died.

And we’re not singin’

Bye, bye to those Wizard Rock Guys
Drove their pistons through a twistin’
Air cone in the sky
And now there’s no more EP’s to buy
I’m alone, asking “why, oh why?”
Wipe tears from my Ipod’s eye

Bella, tella fella who is yella
Will we be safe in your cyclone cella?
To eat some pasta with a basilisk
Did you Catchlove with Forge and Gred
With a face on Alas Earwax’s head
And spin a Grand Pres disk

Oh, it started rainin’ cats and dogs,
And Acid Pops and Chocolate Frogs.
But remember how we enjoyed
The Parselmouths and Oliver Boyd
While the Aurors jam along with Tonks
Don’t get peeved if the tourbus honks
At Hermione and Crook-shonks (?)
Don’t let wrock music die

Don’t be singin’

Bye, bye to those Wizard Rock Guys
Drove their pistons through a twistin’
Air cone in the sky
And they tweeted with some very high-speed wi-fi
OMG we R all gonna die!
OMG we R all gonna die!

I met DJ Luna L
And those Quaffle Kids as well
And Tom Riddle helped me make some friends
So we went to Itunes store
To search for blood, either mud or pure
Because we knew this couldn’t be the end

And in the Ministry of Magic
‘Everything was mighty tragic,
Sleeping dragons were awoken
‘Cause Ginny’s heart was broken

And three bands I admire most
The Fletchley, tree, and the toilet ghost,
Can send this message by Owl Post
Today, no wrock music died

So we’re not singin’

Bye, bye to those Wizard Rock Guys
Drove their pistons through a twistin’
Air cone in the sky
Got through the hail that was tennis-ball-sized
Sayin’ this won’t be the day that we die!
Sayin’ this won’t be the day that we die!

Instead we’re singin’

My, I love those Wizard Rock Guys
That tornada’ woulda made a
Lesser group of folks cry
But they got through it just as easy as pie
And wizard rock refuses to die