Welcome!

Greetings, all! This is the official web home for SALLY COTTER AND THE CENSORED STONE, a new comedy for the stage. If you enjoy the adventures of a certain boy wizard, you'll love this zany, satirical farce. All the information you need can be found here. If you'd like to read a the play, you can read almost all of it on the Playscripts site, here. More questions? email the author here.

Please be sure to read our Frequently Asked Questions.

Harry Potter, Age 30

Today is the 30th birthday of Harry Potter (Yes, he was born on July 30, 1980. You didn't know the books took place between 1991 and 1998? Well, they did). In honor of this, I have a list of the title of the books that would cover Harry's adventures between ages 18 and 30, based on the types of adventures we all have at those ages.

• 1998 Age 18 – Book 8: Harry Potter and the Slowing Metabolism
• 1999 Age 19 – Book 9: Harry Potter and the One Bedroom Apartment in the Dodgy Neighborhood
• 2000 Age 20 – Book 10: Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Small Ring Considering it Cost Two Months’ Salary
• 2001 Age 21 – Book 11: Harry Potter and the Wedding-Guest List That Wouldn’t Stop Growing
• 2002 Age 22 – Book 12: Harry Potter and the Bachelor Party He Shouldn’t Have Let Ron and George Plan
• 2003 Age 23 – Book 13: Harry Potter and the Lamaze Breathing Exercises
• 2004 Age 24 – Book 14: Harry Potter and the Bottomless Diaper Pail
• 2005 Age 25 – Book 15 Harry Potter and the Car Payments
• 2006 Age 26 – Book 16 Harry Potter and the Failed Quidditch Comeback
• 2007 Age 27 – Book 17 Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
• 2008 Age 28 – Book 18 Harry Potter and the Adjustable Rate Mortgage
• 2009 Age 29 – Book 19 Harry Potter and the Temples of Gray
• 2010 Age 30 – Book 20 Harry Potter and No-Treacle-Tarts Diet

"This Isn't Hogwarts" -- a musical montage

It occurs to me I haven't put this on the blog yet. I made a montage of photos from SALLY productions from 2009, set to the tune of "This Isn't Hogwarts" by Hank Green. I had a lot of fun making it. I hope to make many more!

Photos from Prarieview School, in Waukee, IA

I'm sounding like a broken record here, but I had great fun getting to know the cast and crew of the Prarieview production. Theirs was in December, and they paired it with a one-act curtain raiser play with a Christmas theme. There was a very nice article about the shows in the Des Moines Register. I've pasted the text of that below the photos. More photos here.

Prairieview drama students create magic


HOLLY MCQUEEN/THE REGISTER


Audience can sit for a spell and enjoy a parody of Harry Potter
by by jennifer ripslinger
jripslin@dmreg.com


Heard in the Prairieview School commons: Kids today don't connect with old things, including books and bands from the '90s.

So the drama department is taking a new twist on Harry Potter and will present "Sally Cotter and the Censored Stone" at 7 p.m. today and Saturday at the school.

Cost is $5 and also includes the short play "The Bestest Christmas Ever in Texas."

"Sally Cotter" is a "loving parody to the tone of Mad magazine or Mel Brooks," writes playwright Dean O'Carroll in the script.


In addition to the familiar characters, Sally, Headmaster Albatross Underdrawers and Lord Murderdeath, the play also features a censor.

Played by Paige Amdahl, 14, of Waukee, the Censor pops in the play occasionally to keep the cast in line.

"I make sure things are in order, and I correct what they say," Amdahl said.

A potential mention of Hogwarts?

Not under the Censor's watch. It's Frogbill Academy of Sorcery.

Despite what the Censor says, Alyssa Cokinis, who plays Cotter, said this play is for all Harry Potter fans.

"I am obsessed with Harry Potter, so I love this play," she said.

She said the audience will instantly recognize the connection to the book series, but this version features more humor.

Sally is flanked by best friends Dave and Harmonica, who are played by Jonathan Buehrer, 14, of West Des Moines and Maggie Dressel, 15, of Waukee.

Buehrer said his character talks big but will eventually hide behind Sally or Harmonica.

"He's kind of stupid," Buehrer said. "But it's fun to act goofy, and it'll be fun to act goofy in front of an audience."

The school, which lacks an auditorium, uses the commons or cafeteria area for its plays. In order to illuminate the productions, the drama department rented lights.
But thanks to a $7,200 fundraising campaign, the school has its own now, said Lynnae Lathrop, drama teacher.
And because the lighting system is portable, it can be used in Prairieview’s future auditorium or at other venues, such as Waukee Middle School.
“We’re training a couple kids to use them right now,” Lathrop said.
For Dressel, her role meant she had to learn large paragraphs of lines.

"She's the brainiac who studies all the time," Dressel said.

Harmonica also never misses an opportunity to show off how much she reads.

Dressel also said that reading "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" won't give away the ending.

"It's a neat end and it isn't expected," she said. "It's not like the movie or the book."

Added Amdahl: "At the end, it's pretty shocking what I do."

"The Bestest Christmas Ever in Texas"

Before the wizards take the stage, two wishful thinkers will dream of a white Christmas.

According to their matter-of-fact mother, played by Rachel Henderson, the girls will never see snow in December because, well, global warming is going to kill us all.

Not to mention, they live in Texas.

But the daughters, played by Mariah Myers and Kinzie Fagerstrom, come up with a plan. They even receive an unexpected visit from Frosty the Snowman, explained Sarah Lynd, 14, of Urbandale, who plays Frosty.



:: ‘Sally Cotter’ cast
Sally Cotter: Alyssa Cokinis
Reubenon Ryebread: Carter Kemmet
The Censor: Paige Amdahl
Harmonica: Maggie Dressel
Dave: Jonathan Buehrer
Professor Albatross Underdrawers: Corey Spiess
Professor Shiftia Shape: Michaela Craigmile
Ursa Malaise: Bridget Johnston
Ed Molar/Lord Murderdeath: Brennan Antone
Student 1/Amy A. Aardvarkovitch/Sally’s Mother: Letters: Jamie Van Syoc
Student 2/Slymything 1/Letters: Ashley Young
Student 3/Slymything 2/Letters: Canadian Mountie: Sarah Lynd
Student 4/Slymything 3/Letters: Taylor Hildreth
Student 5/Goodydrops 1/Letters: Emily Erickson
Student 6/Goodydrops 2/Letters: Erica Clark
Beetles/Letters: Bria Stender, Mariah Myers, Kinzie Fagerstrom, Rachel Henderson

:: 'The Bestest Christmas' cast
Narrator: Bria Stender
Kaylie: Mariah Myers
Jessie: Kinzie Fagerstrom
Mother: Rachel Henderson
Frosty: Sarah Lynd

Photos from Plymouth North High School, in Plymouth, MA

Plymouth North was the first school to book a production of the play, and was the first in my home state of Massachusetts. I don't live there anymore, so I couldn't see it, but some family and friends did and had a great time. Here are some photos and a video. More videos here.
Also, check out this news report about the production produced by the school.

Photos from Milford High School, in Milford, DE

Of all the productions from the fall of 2009, I might have had the most interaction with the one in Milford, DE. In addition to chatting with the director, cast, and crew online, I also "sent" my friend Sean, from The Remembrall Live podcast to see it. He had a rave review (you can listen to it here), and, a few weeks later, when I got a video and a t-shirt from the production, so I could see just how great it was. Truly excellent work from everyone involved. More photos here. I'll try to post videos sometime, too.

Photos from Birch Run High School, in Birch Run, MI

Birch Run had a really fun take on the look of the show. Since it's all Sally's dream they had Sally and most of the rest of the cast in pajamas. A very clever idea and it led to a really eye-catching set of photos. I had some great interaction with the cast on Facebook. Thanks to everyone involved. More photos here.

Big Weekend!

It certainly is!

There are not two, but THREE productions this weekend. If this happened every weekend, I could come close to making a living at this playwriting thing ...

But the point is St. Thomas Aquinas High School in Dover, NH; Birch Run High School in Birch Run, MI; and John H. Wood Middle School in San Antonio TX are all producing the play this weekend. I'm so thrilled that such diverse schools all over the country are bringing this play to their communities.

STA and Birch run opened last night, and Wood opens tonight. I hear great things about opening nights and STA has already put up some GREAT photos from their Dress Rehearsal. Here's a sample.

The First State, The Second Production

I've heard nothing but good things about the production of SALLY in Milford, Delaware. Excellent! We're two for two!

I should have photos and video from that production soon but now I want to share the cover from the program and the program itself, because it includes some very funny new character names for the chorus. I always love when productions insert their own creativity into a script. I particularly like that they've given Dave a last name and a whole family!

Production Staff
Director
Ms. Carissa Meiklejohn

Producer
Mrs. Erica Snyder

Costumes
Ms. Sarah Honey
Mrs. Cindy Whitehead

Set Construction
Mr. Jack Newark and the
set construction class

Light/Sound Director
Mr. Bruce Leibu

Logo design
Mrs. Karine Richards

Poster Printing
Mr. Bruce Leibu

T-shirt Printing
DECA/Marketing

Stage Manager
Lindsay Schulze

Assistant Stage Manager/Props
Sarah Propst

Props
Kim McKinney

Stage Crew
Tara Bowden
Kaitlin Weaver

Lights/Sound
Evan Wittman
Zeph Geyer
Brett Hall

Time:
Present Day

Setting:
Act I Sally’s bedroom, Frogbull Academy

15 minute Intermission

Act II Frogbull Academy, Sally’s bedroom

Cast
Sally Cotter
Hillary Chen

Harmonica
Becky Ball

Prof. Shiftia Shape
Bethany Lennox

Ursa Malaise
Toni Gynac

Prof. Underdrawers
Chad Dickerson

Dave Ferret
Matthew Bantel

Ed Molar
Brian Pierson

Reubenon Ryebread
Adam Murphy

The Censor
Nora Goodleaf

Lord Murderdeath
Mr. Shawn Snyder

Supporting Cast
Mother/Prof. Sproutacus
Rose McFassel

Goona Glovewood
Madi Dodge

Fredina Ferret
Lacy Devoe

Georgette Ferret
Lauren Walton

Angie Aardvarkovich
Amber-Lee Miller

Pinchy
Deanna Pierson

Boyle Butkiss
Michael Walls

Beetle/Dedric Ciggory
Neil Shah

Beetle/Connor Creamy
William Badger

Beetle/Prof. Quilt
Dakota Madanat

Beetle/Prof. Jumpstart
Tayvon Johnson

Terri Boots
Samantha Wagamon

Platma
Sara Marks

Murffie Moggal
Chelsea Trotman

Winny Ferret
Sam Benton

Lana Rabbit
Natalie Bradley

Mary Turnit
Grace McFassel

Professor McDonalds
Bre Fitch

Chloe Bell
Breanna Henderson

Felicia Fossils
Megan Rossetti

Audience Notes
• Please refrain from the use of photography or video recording as it is against our agreement with Playscripts, Inc.
• Remember that Milford School District is a non-smoking environment.
• Please turn off all cell phones and other electronic devices. Even their ambient light can be a distraction to the performers and patrons.


Director’s Notes
I hadn’t read the Harry Potter series until two years ago, and once I began, I couldn’t put it down. I finally discovered what everyone else had already learned—they are truly enthralling books that have inspired many to read. The characters and plot elements that are parodied in this production are hysterical and make this play so enjoyable. It has also been wonderful to perform a brand new play and be a part of its debut—thanks to Dean O’Carroll for giving us this great script and the ability to add our own touches. I am so proud of our students and the imagination and creativity they have brought to our stage. I welcome all of our new drama club members who have joined us for this undertaking. I am thrilled to work with so many fantastic students. Enjoy!
Carissa Meiklejohn
Special Thanks to
• Hospital Auxiliary for use of the tricycle
• Mrs. Kaye Majoch for use of robes
• Mr. Nate L’Armand for props
• Mrs. Karine Richards and art students for painting the shields
• Allison Chamberlain for her hard work, though she couldn’t perform due to illness
• Sarah Propst for spending numerous hours organizing the costume loft


Join us for our musical
Bye Bye Birdie
March 4-6, 2010

WILD SMASH HIT

By all reports -- please read Skye's amazing comment on yesterday's post -- the SALLY COTTER premiere at St. Margaret Mary's was nothing short of blockbusting. This is amazing news. I can't wait for video. For now, here are some photos, probably many more to come.

Congratulations, from the bottom of my hear to cast and crew. I couldn't have asked for a better opening.



Dave, Harmonica, and Sally. Great uniforms, though this was a Catholic School, so they might have had some on hand. I'm intrigued that they went with the head scar for Sally. I don't mention one in the script, but it's so key to Potter. I've often wondered if schools would give her one. So far the vote talley is Scar 1, No-Scar 2. (obscure "Arrested Development" reference)




The Beetles, rocking out to their hit song "I Wanna Hold All Six of Your Hands"


I love Professor Underdrawers here. He will be my new Twitter avatar, shortly.



Shape and the Slymythings, which would be a great name for a Wrock Band.



Ursa, trying to taste Sally and Friends as they hide under the cape. Skye calls this "The Licking Scene" which it certainly is, though taken out of context that sounds a little odd.




Nicely creepy letter people ... either that or a whole lot of people are about to die in Funky Winkerbean. (Obscure reference, I know)


The Censor. I'm very intrigued to see how people approach this character. This look is great. Will other Censors rock the argyle sweater vest? We'll see.



Ed Herdturd Molar and the Magic Rock



Great looking Lord Murderdeath. Scary!


The full cast looks great together.



Look at this! T-shirts! They made t-shirts for my play! How awesome is that?

Roll out the red carpet!

Tonight's the night folks! World premiere performance of SALLY COTTER AND THE CENSORED STONE. The cast and crew at St. Margaret Mary's in Winter Park Florida are mixing up their Witch's Brews, practicing getting the flunch through the spoodle, and fitting on their Beetle antennae. Let's all wish them broken legs and big, big laughs. I'm very excited, but probably not half as psyched as they are.

I've been in touch with Skye Dumoulin, the director. She and her cast have been working impossibly hard to get this together and I'm sure it will pay off big time. I really wish I could be there.

Listen up, Southern California! Somebody put on a darn SALLY COTTER production that I can actually go see!

Skye's put some photos online, so here's a glimpse of what the good people of Winter Park will be seeing tonight!













It's always a thrill to see actors dressed as characters you've created. Okay, sure these "characters I've created" are really just parodies of characters JK Rowling created, but it's still a special feeling.

I'm not the first to say this, and this isn't the first time I've said it, but at the moment, SALLY COTTER AND THE CENSORED STONE is just a script, words on paper. Tonight, when there are actors living out that story and an audience following it, laughing and applauding, it will truly become a play. I'm so grateful to Skye and her gang for making this happen and for all the other productions that are coming up in the next few weeks.

This production, by the way, is the only one I can truly attribute to my activities in fandom. I met Skye on MyLeaky and she seemed eager to read the play and then ever eagerer to produce it. I love the people in Potter fandom. They're just wonderful, wonderful people.

Plus, Skye lives in Orlando, which is about to become the hub of Potter fandom, with the theme park opening next year and two enormous Potter Conferences in the next two years, Infitus in 2010 and LeakyCon 2011. So it's really good to have a connection there.

Oh, plus Skye is totally awesome as a person.

Curtain up!

Productions! We've got productions!

Wow! Haven't been bloggin' so much lately.

Sorry about that, but SALLY has been busy. At the moment we have SIX productions scheduled for this fall and I know of two more that have been announced but not fully booked. I've contacted the directors of all of these productions so I hope to have pictures and updates and all that cool stuff. Here's where the show is going up. More info can be found here http://www.facebook.com/sallycotterandthecensoredstone (yeah, we have a Facebook page now, too)



St. Margaret Mary School Winter Park, FL
Oct 30, 2009

Milford High School Milford, DE
Nov 5, 2009-
7-Nov-09

St. Thomas Aquinas High School Dover, NH
Nov 12, 2009-
13-Nov-09

Birch Run High School Birch Run, MI
Nov 12, 2009-
14-Nov-09

Plymouth North High School Plymouth, MA
Nov 20, 2009-
22-Nov-09

Waukee Community School District--Prairieview Dallas Center, IA
Dec 4, 2009- 5-Dec-09

I wish the best of broken legs to all these productions and I hope there will be many more!

In which I invent a brand new genre

So as I've become more and more involved in fandom, I'm really coming to like and respect Wizard Rock. I am not a musician or a singer, so I would not ever attempt to generate any of it myself. But I am a comedian and so I officially declare myself to be the first ever Wizard Stand-Up AKA Wand-Up Comic. And, as Harry and the Potters were the first real Wrock band and so they got to "be" Harry ... I get to be Harry, too.

Dean on Spinnerscast

Whoops! Haven't blogged in a while, and I totally forgot to mention my most recent podcast appearance!

Quinn and Juan from Spinnerscast interviewed me over a month ago and the episode has been available since, like July 8th. So, sorry about the delay. (I also have several WWDD scripts to post)

Great interview, of course. I had a lot of fun with those two. Listen and you'll hear me discuss A VERY POTTER MUSICAL, The HP Alliance, and I'll reveal two character names from the possibly-upcoming SALLY COTTER sequel!

Click here to listen!

WWDD -- The HP Alliance in Los Angeles and the Dumbledore Movie Theater Challenge

On July 14, 2009 there was a HUGE party for the opening of the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie. My wife and I went there and it was fantastic. I got to meet 3/4 of Pottercast, and members of the Whomping Willows, The Remus Lupins, Marked as His Equal, and Tonks and the Werewolves, not to mention lots and lots of Potter fans. Oh, and I saw the movie, too. I'll write more about that later, but for now IT FREAKIN' RULES.

I was officially there in my capacity as a member of the Harry Potter Alliance. We were doing the Dumbledore Movie Theater Challenge. I provided name tags which Bre and the Merch ladies handed out to fans to write about what they learned from the late, great Albus Dumbledore. I also shot some video:

SEVERUS REJOINED and the HP Alliance

Here's the latest in my series of What Would Dumbledore Do playlets. I'm in the home stretch now. Only three major characters left, really and I think two of them will share one play.

To be honest, this is the big one. This is the death and the set of revelations that followed that so much of the series hinged on. I was a little hesitant to try this one, since it's so major and there's so much to say.

So how'd I do? Um ... okay. Others could have done better, but I think I contribute something here. Hope you like it.

SEVERUS REJOINED
a very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on a playground. It greatly resembles the one near Spinner’s End where SEVERUS SNAPE first met LILY EVANS, but it is cleaner, brighter, impossibly perfect.

SNAPE is there. His eyes are closed and he has a look of great focus, as if he were trying to burn something into his memory. Eventually he opens his eyes and sees his surroundings.

SNAPE
I see.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE enters.

DUMBLEDORE
Severus! I must say, of all the places I have met with people on their journeys, this is by far my favorite.

SNAPE
Why am I not surprised?

DUMBLEDORE
How did he do it?

SNAPE
The snake. He used the snake on me. I imagine he considered that an honor.

DUMBLEDORE
Care for a go on the swings, Severus?

SNAPE
Thank you, Professor, no.

DUMBLEDORE
Suit yourself.

SNAPE
If you have further instructions for me there is no reason to be coy.

DUMBLEDORE
No, no Severus. Your job and mine are done. Responsibility lies with Harry Potter now.

SNAPE
So Lily’s son marches off to his death. I assume he will be joining us shortly.

DUMBLEDORE
Yes, but, I hope not for long. Perhaps you have deduced my theory.

SNAPE
That the Dark Lord’s curse will destroy the part of his soul inside the boy and Potter will be unscathed? Yes, I thought that might be part of your calculations. You’ve gambled a great deal on chance and theory, Professor.

DUMBLEDORE
And before me stands perhaps my greatest gamble, one which has returned my investment a thousandfold.

SNAPE
Yes. Well done. Once again your insight reigns supreme. And for the rest of us, for Moody and Scrimgeour, even Black? Should we take solace in the validation of your brilliance? Is that our reward as well?

DUMBLEDORE
I cannot speak for the others, but I had never thought you joined our side in search of reward.

SNAPE
No. No, and I never asked for one. I sought only … only …

DUMBLEDORE
Redemption?

SNAPE
I will kindly ask you not to put words in my mouth, Professor.

DUMBLEDORE
Of course.

A long silence as DUMBLEDORE swings gently.

SNAPE
Is … she here?

DUMBLEDORE
She is.

SNAPE
And … him as well.

DUMBLEDORE
They made a pledge to be bonded for all eternity, Severus. The one silver lining of their tragic early deaths was that they would never have to be apart.

SNAPE
Then even now I am … I am never …

DUMBLEDORE
Severus, your life was painful, woefully short, and often unfair. I will never deny that. For your sacrifices you have my endless gratitude and my deepest admiration. But your life was not devoid of joy and you are too intelligent and mature a man to claim it was.

SNAPE
I … do not claim that.

DUMBLEDORE
Are you familiar with a Muggle poet by the name of Omar Khayyam?

SNAPE
No.

DUMBLEDORE
He once wrote:
A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness--
Ah, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

SNAPE
I have no ear for poetry, Professor.

DUMBLEDORE
How little you understand yourself, my friend. What was the last thing you saw in all your life?

SNAPE
Eyes. Those eyes.

DUMBLEDORE
And was that not paradise enough?

SNAPE
… It was.

DUMBLEDORE
Then perhaps it is time for you to be reunited with someone who is hoping to see you.

SNAPE
No! No, Dumbledore! I could not! I couldn’t!

LILY POTTER is there.

LILY
Hello, Sev.

SNAPE turns and sees her.

SNAPE
Lily.

DUMBLEDORE
And at this point my exit is long overdue. Farewell.

DUMBLEDORE goes.

SNAPE
Is he … ?

LILY
James didn’t come. He might like to see you later. But he understood that I needed to talk to an old friend.

SNAPE
I …

LILY
We used to have wonderful talks, Sev. I miss them.

SNAPE
I thought you had nothing further to say to me.

LILY
That was a long time ago. Quite a bit has happened since then. Let’s have a swing and a chat. We have a lot of catching up to do.

LILY sits in a swing and gestures for SNAPE to join her.

SNAPE
And … things will be just as they were?

LILY
Well, probably not exactly. And you know they cannot be the way you wanted them to be.
(Pause.)
But … a swing … a chat … maybe a laugh or two?

SNAPE
… Paradise enow.

She smiles. He sits in the swing next to her. They begin to talk as …

The lights fade.



Visit The Harry Potter Alliance

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a production!

Oh, I am so psyched! I just got word from Playscripts that a production of SALLY COTTER has been booked and the play will be performed November 20-22 at Plymouth North High School in Plymouth, MA.

I checked out some videos on line and the Plymouth North Drama club does a lot of shows every year. Man, there's nothing I love more than a thriving, active High School drama club. You can see a lot of their videos here.

I am thrilled beyond belief that my first production will be in my old home state, Massachusetts. That's where every play I've written since college premiered and I'm happy to keep that streak alive.

Of course, somebody could still come a long and ace 'em! Could YOUR school or theatre get a production up and running by October, September ... maybe even August? Plymouth was, after all, where the Pilgrims landed. American started there and now it looks like SALLY COTTER will, too.

Unless you beat 'em to the punch!

SCRIMGEOUR OF NEED and the HP Alliance

Here's the latest. I know chess as a metaphor is way overused. But it seemed valid here.

SCRIMGEOUR OF NEED
a very short play by Dean O’Carroll

Lights up on a bare room with a small table in the middle with two uncushioned chairs. A Wizard Chess board is set up on the table.

RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR enters. His limp is gone and he seems to enjoy freer movement, not that he shows any pleasure in it.

SCRIMGEOUR
Very well.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE enters.

DUMBLEDORE
Minister.

SCRIMGEOUR
Well I can’t say I expected to find you here.

DUMBLEDORE
Our conversations during the last year of my life were far too often short and acrimonious. Perhaps now we can truly talk.

SCRIMGEOUR
Fair enough.

DUMBLEDORE
And perhaps a game of Wizard Chess? As I recall you were always fond of games of strategy.

SCRIMGEOUR
Yes, yes. Haven’t had much time for games, but now I suppose it’s acceptable.

They sit and play. Moments pass.

SCRIMGEOUR
I didn’t give up your boy, Potter, you know.

DUMBLEDORE
I do know that. For that I am very grateful.

SCRIMGEOUR
Infuriating boy. Admirable, certainly, and brave as they come, but … unwise move, I’ll have your bishop now.

DUMBLEDORE
Well played.

More time passes as they play. After a moment, SCRIMGEOUR breaks.

SCRIMGEOUR
Death Eaters in the Ministry! Damn! How could this have happened, Dumbledore? How could I have let this happen?

DUMBLEDORE
You fought with all your might. We can ask no more of you than that.

SCRIMGEOUR
It should have been your job, Dumbledore. Robards is a fine Auror, but perhaps if you’d been Minister and I remained Head Auror –

DUMBLEDORE
You will never win a game of chess if you think only of past moves you should have made. As for myself as Minister … might I demonstrate something?

SCRIMGEOUR
Go ahead.

DUMBLEDORE
This will require a change to the rules. You will play with one king and all your other pieces pawns. All my pieces shall be queens.

SCRIMGEOUR
That hardly seems fair. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board, pawns are weak.

DUMBLEDORE
Kindly allow me to finish. Because I have no king for you to capture, any piece of mine you take will count as a victory for you.

SCRIMGEOUR
Interesting. Interesting. Very well, Dumbledore. Proceed.

They play a bit.

DUMBLEDORE
I’m capturing quite a few of your pawns, Rufus.

SCRIMGEOUR
That’s elemental strategy, Dumbledore. You sacrifice the pawns to bring you closer to your goal.

DUMBLEDORE
But, of course, I cannot make those sacrifices. For me, every piece is equally valuable and every loss equally tragic.

SCRIMGEOUR looks at DUMBLEDORE for a moment. He rises.

SCRIMGEOUR
Very well, very well. I see your point. So that is why you could not have been Minister of Magic? Because you couldn’t sacrifice a pawn?

DUMBLEDORE
Because I cannot see anyone as a pawn. Because I thought my abilities would best be used to teach and to make every wizard a king or a queen.

SCRIMGEOUR
You cannot win a war without sacrifice, Dumbledore. Would either of us be here if we had not sacrificed ourselves for the cause?

DUMBLEDORE
There we are in agreement. I have asked many people to make sacrifices and the losses they suffer weigh greatly upon me. But I never looked upon them as pawns or thought their only value was as a sacrifice.

SCRIMGEOUR
That is all well and good, but I see no evidence that your method is more likely to succeed than mine. In fact, in this game before us, I’m fairly certain I have mate in three.

DUMBLEDORE
But we are not truly playing against each other, are we, Rufus? We are two unified forces against a common foe.

DUMBLEDORE waves his wand the board changes so now his and SCRIMGEOUR’s pieces seem to be on one side against a squad of enormous evil-looking pieces.

DUMBLEDORE
And a number of those pawns that you have sacrificed are now on that other side.

DUMBLEDORE waves the wand again and the captured pawns join the evil side.

DUMBLEDORE
Most are there under the Imperius Curse, to be certain. But more than a few joined Voldemort out of a sense of bitterness and betrayal.

SCRIMGEOUR
… Shunpike. That was the sticking point for Potter. Stan Shunpike – spotty faced git from the Knight Bus.

DUMBLEDORE
Who now hides that spotty face beneath a Death Eater’s mask.

SCRIMGEOUR
He was there when they took the Ministry. Didn’t do much in the fight, but helped hold me down when they started with the Cruciatus Curse. Imperiused, of course, but … every wizard a king or queen, Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE
Perhaps it would be nice.

SCRIMGEOUR
And what do we do now?

DUMBLEDORE
We continue our game. And we hope with all our might that our side wins.

The game resumes.

Lights fade.



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Dean on Filkcast: Potter Style

Yep, I did another one!

Debatably, I'm an odd match for a podcast all about song parody, since I don't sing. But I do parody, so SALLY is kind of a once-removed relative of the songs that Delana, Michael, and company play.

I had a great time with those guys. We talked A LOT. I'm a little worried that people who tune in primarily for the songs will be a little annoyed by all the chatter. But I think it's pretty fun.

And I was really pleased that we recorded a scene from SALLY. Michael plays Hagrid in the Pottercast Acting Troupe, so he was fantastic as Ryebread. Listen to the show for that alone!